Making the decision to divorce is a difficult and complicated one, especially when you have children who are very young. It can be a challenge to balance the impending changes in the family and yourselves while caring for toddlers/preschoolers in daily life. As you decide how to best proceed, having the support of a Collaborative Divorce team of professionals to guide you can be of benefit. In addition to collaboratively-trained attorneys and financial experts, you may have access to a mental health child specialist who can offer suggestions and parent guidance for helping you help your children throughout the process.
So what kind of guidance might the child specialist offer? Here are a few considerations:
- In general, children in this age group are egocentric in how they perceive things, so try to address any upcoming changes by understanding the ways that these will affect them.
- Provide a simple, consistent message to the children about these changes, ideally with both parents present.
- Use specific, concrete descriptors they might understand (parents are “not getting along,” going to live in “two different houses,” they will “take turns” taking care of them.)
- Time your discussions with the children close to when the changes will occur. Remember their sense of time is quite limited.
- Reassure them that both parents will still be their parents, even if the living situation changes. Most importantly, let them know how much they are loved.
- Highlight the things that will stay the same, such as preschool, grandparents, toys, pets.
- Help them “see” how the separate homes and shared parenting time will work with a “trial run” between the two homes.
- Be prepared for some regression in the children’s behavior, which is usually temporary. If in doubt, check with your pediatrician or child mental health professional.
- Be prepared for idiosyncratic worries and questions (“can I still watch my Frozen DVD?”)
Reading books on the topic of divorce to your children may also help them with comprehending the changes in family life, “seeing” how other families are managing. Here are a few suggested for this age group (3-7):
- Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families. Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
- It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. Vicky Lansky & Jane Prince
- Two Homes. Claire Masurel & Kady MacDonald Denton
With patience, love, consistent routines, and support, your family can make a positive adjustment to the changes resulting from divorce. Utilizing a team of collaborative professionals can be a part of your support in achieving a successful adjustment.
Be prepared for some regression in the children’s behavior, which is usually temporary. If in doubt, check with your pediatrician or child mental health professional.
