Navigating the teen years is often a challenging time, for both parents and teens. Adolescents are in the process of sorting through who they are or are becoming (identity); they are seeking increasing levels of independence (autonomy); and they are building their own relationships with friends outside of the family. This is a normal and healthy part of maturing, despite those occasions when parents and teens feel exasperated or overwhelmed. However, if you and your spouse are also going through a divorce at the same time, these teen-age changes can become even more complicated for everyone.
Divorce affects teens differently than it does their younger or older siblings. Here are some ideas for parents and teens:
- BE FLEXIBLE: Recognize that your son or daughter has some interests, activities, and friends that he or she is active in, and will most likely want to continue. When possible, plan or arrange parenting time in ways that support positive activities and friendships. Those outlets can help your teen adjust to family changes.
- BE AVAILABLE: Be sure to find some time to just “be there” with your son or daughter. Driving them to an activity or friend’s home, inviting them to watch a movie with you or suggesting a stop at a coffee shop can provide simple but meaningful ways to check in with them about the divorce or other parts of their lives. Be sure to make it about them, not you.
- BE PARENTAL: As teens move through their high school years, it may be tempting to see them as “moving on” with their lives and really not needing you around. You may also want to do the same in your life, which can be positive, but be sure you are still monitoring and setting appropriate limits. Teens really don’t need you as a friend; steer clear of trying to be the “fun” parent.
- BE SENSITIVE: If you are dating, be sensitive to your teen’s reactions. Know that your son or daughter may well be dating, too, (or thinking about it) and the thought of mom or dad doing the same may be unsettling. Teens are also exploring sexually, and as a parent you will want them to feel free to discuss their questions or concerns with you openly.
- BE COLLABORATIVE: It is important to stay in good communication with your teen’s other parent about setting limits (curfew), general expectations (grades), and serious issues that may arise (drug use). Teens can sometimes find ways to work one parent vs the other; “united fronts” around the serious stuff reassures your teen that you both still care enough to do this for him/her.
With some patience and resolve, you can survive both a divorce and teenage challenges at the same time! Remember, communication and caring always goes a long way!
